I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
