Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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