he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
