Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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