How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
