well most of my day revolves around power hour
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
