I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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