I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
