can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
