Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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