Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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