ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love you.
Bad choice
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