Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
