Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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