Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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