i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
