Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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