why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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