Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
