Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
