tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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