I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize