Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
