So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
