i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
