God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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