gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
