Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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