i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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