I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
