Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
