Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
