The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
