Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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