we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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