Can i not drive my cunt home
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
