I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
