guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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