I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
