i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
