put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
