saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
operation have a gay friend backfired
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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