So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
