i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
