Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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