I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
