I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
