I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
