How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
