they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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