he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Boobs are out for the taking
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize