speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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