So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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