i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
