I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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