Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
