so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
