I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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