It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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