I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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